Self Loathing

As fucked up as it sounds, it’s the one thing in my life that I’ve been really good at since I was a small child. And I’ve only gotten better at it. It’s sad, but it’s true.

I’m not even sure where it all started. I’m not sure how I got to where I am today. In my mind, I’ve always been this evil entity and everything’s been my fault since I can remember. And even when I finally pull back and try to not focus on what I think my part is, it turns into a fugly blaming session and all of a sudden I’m trying to shuck all responsibility for everything off onto the next person. And you know what this does? Makes me hate myself even more than I did originally.

To say that it’s a vicious cycle is an understatement. It’s basically a way of life. I don’t know how to be any other way and quite frankly it sucks.

At times it seems like my inability to find a balance stresses me out so much that it ruins the connections and relationships that I manage to somehow build.

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