I never know exactly when the downward spiral is coming. I start to notice some changes, but ultimately I don’t actually know and I’m just as surprised as everyone else when everything falls apart.
The problem now…if I can’t get a grip I fear that it will ruin a good thing. Previously I viewed my disorder as the root of my marital issues but now I see that it was more of a personality thing than anything else.
When my moods shift my jaw clenches itself shut. I can tell a wall how I feel all day long…but when it comes to opening up to someone that I care about and that I know cares about me….my mouth may as well be sewn shut with steel thread. There’s so much hurt and confusion swirling around in my head that I just shut down. But I can’t vocalize it. I can’t say “hey, I’m feelin kinda fucked emotionally but idk why or how to fix it so this is gonna be weird for a while”…..maybe this is just me wrecking my own happiness again. I can’t keep doing that. I’ve gotta do better if I want to be happy.
Old habits die hard but dammit I don’t have a choice at this point.
I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s up to me to pave this new road. I’ve crumbled under the pressure of my own insecurities and doubts before. I can’t let that happen again.