As I say every year when Gemini season &summer hit..my season is here ,and it’s my time to shine. HA! That’s a joke this year. Summer may be here, but I have not yet arrived. The way I feel right now…definitely still an internal winter.
Today was the first time in over 3 years that I successfully completed some portion of school. I was relieved…at least until I realized what being done for the time being means. Now that I don’t have school to consume all of my extra time, everything else that I’ve been avoiding will have the chance to get to me again.
I hadn’t realized just how much I give a damn about where I end up in life until tonight. I find myself constantly denying (it’s actually attempting to deny and failing miserably) the fact that I care so much about where I end up in life that I literally lose sleep most of the week b/c I sit up through the long hours of the damn night thinking about it. I’m not even 23 yet and I’ve found myself almost to the point of yanking my hair out at the root b/c I become so worried with my life falling apart before I even realize that it’s happening. And every time someone tells me that I should stop worrying because I’m still so young…a very large part of me wants to tell them the shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I know they’re partially right…but it’s just so irritating for some reason. Maybe I’m just a control freak.
But anywho. Despite how alive I feel every time I get some time in the sun, I’m honestly dreading summer to some degree. There’s so much internal pressure to be happy. I’m going on vacation and getting away from work for three weeks. I’ll be spending lots of one on one time with the love of my life. I should be happy right? Absolutely bursting with excitement…right?
I guess I haven’t even begun to wrap my mind around my emotions. Since I got the news of my grandmothers passing last week I’ve been pretty numb to everything. I can feel the angst bubbling inside of me…just waiting for the moment when everything that I’ve been feeling will force it’s way out and leave me sobbing uncontrollably in a random corner of my house. Maybe I’ll finally feel some comfort. Maybe I’ll finally start my healing process. But what is there to heal? Shouldn’t I be happy that she’s finally in a better place and no long in pain? Shouldn’t I be celebrating her very long life? I just can’t help but feel a little guilty for being so selfish about how I feel about this, but at the same time grief hit me so hard that I am literally a walking, breathing, lump of nothing right now. Never in my life before this have I truly felt this……..detached? I’m not even sure how to describe it.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
Hopefully there is no rain so that I can get sufficient outside time.
I’ll hold onto my hope. It’s what she would have wanted.