Same shit different day

Relationships are hard.

Mental health is hard.

Combine the two and it’s a total nightmare some days….sometimes weeks.

I still don’t know how to handle myself most days. And I don’t know if I’m allowed to speak up about how I feel about small things. Most of the time I talk myself down and convince myself that I’m just being a childish brat. But I’ve never really taken the time to step back and look at the root of the shitty feeling. So I just sit and fester in the bullshit….which obviously doesn’t help anything. And then I feel even worse for not having the gumption to say “hey I’m feeling a little frazzled because of this thing that happened”.

Does wanting to be chased make me a coward?

It’s something that I think on quite often and it bothers me. Do I want my partner to chase me because it’s the only way I truly feel valid in a relationship? Will I ever not be so insecure that I’ll be able to accept things at face value without tearing them down in the background?

It’s ugly to admit….and horrible to face. But what choice do I really have?

Staying Afloat

I never know exactly when the downward spiral is coming. I start to notice some changes, but ultimately I don’t actually know and I’m just as surprised as everyone else when everything falls apart.

The problem now…if I can’t get a grip I fear that it will ruin a good thing. Previously I viewed my disorder as the root of my marital issues but now I see that it was more of a personality thing than anything else.

When my moods shift my jaw clenches itself shut. I can tell a wall how I feel all day long…but when it comes to opening up to someone that I care about and that I know cares about me….my mouth may as well be sewn shut with steel thread. There’s so much hurt and confusion swirling around in my head that I just shut down. But I can’t vocalize it. I can’t say “hey, I’m feelin kinda fucked emotionally but idk why or how to fix it so this is gonna be weird for a while”…..maybe this is just me wrecking my own happiness again. I can’t keep doing that. I’ve gotta do better if I want to be happy.

Old habits die hard but dammit I don’t have a choice at this point.

I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s up to me to pave this new road. I’ve crumbled under the pressure of my own insecurities and doubts before. I can’t let that happen again.

Sometimes the hurt do the hurting

I thought that I had found comfort in something new. For a split second I really thought that maybe I loved him.

But I realized that I don’t…I loved having someone near me who understood me. I loved having compassion surround me when he walked into the room. But I didn’t love him. Just certain things about him. And that’s okay….right?

Well it would have been if I had maintained control of myself and if I hadn’t spoken on impulse. I thought that maybe it was just me being weird for a few days. But then 3 days turned to 7 and I still don’t feel anything.

There isn’t even anything in me that wants to reach out right now….not to him at least. I know that I hurt him. I’ve explained why I withdrew…but I don’t expect him to accept that and just be okay. Maybe he has. I hope he has. I don’t want to have that conversation. I don’t want any part in those feelings. I don’t want to tell him to his face that the attachment is not mutual. But he knows. I’ve mentioned it. But I haven’t said it explicitly and a piece of me is bothered by it…but overall I’m not concerned with it.

Self Loathing

As fucked up as it sounds, it’s the one thing in my life that I’ve been really good at since I was a small child. And I’ve only gotten better at it. It’s sad, but it’s true.

I’m not even sure where it all started. I’m not sure how I got to where I am today. In my mind, I’ve always been this evil entity and everything’s been my fault since I can remember. And even when I finally pull back and try to not focus on what I think my part is, it turns into a fugly blaming session and all of a sudden I’m trying to shuck all responsibility for everything off onto the next person. And you know what this does? Makes me hate myself even more than I did originally.

To say that it’s a vicious cycle is an understatement. It’s basically a way of life. I don’t know how to be any other way and quite frankly it sucks.

At times it seems like my inability to find a balance stresses me out so much that it ruins the connections and relationships that I manage to somehow build.