Sometimes the hurt do the hurting

I thought that I had found comfort in something new. For a split second I really thought that maybe I loved him.

But I realized that I don’t…I loved having someone near me who understood me. I loved having compassion surround me when he walked into the room. But I didn’t love him. Just certain things about him. And that’s okay….right?

Well it would have been if I had maintained control of myself and if I hadn’t spoken on impulse. I thought that maybe it was just me being weird for a few days. But then 3 days turned to 7 and I still don’t feel anything.

There isn’t even anything in me that wants to reach out right now….not to him at least. I know that I hurt him. I’ve explained why I withdrew…but I don’t expect him to accept that and just be okay. Maybe he has. I hope he has. I don’t want to have that conversation. I don’t want any part in those feelings. I don’t want to tell him to his face that the attachment is not mutual. But he knows. I’ve mentioned it. But I haven’t said it explicitly and a piece of me is bothered by it…but overall I’m not concerned with it.

Self Loathing

As fucked up as it sounds, it’s the one thing in my life that I’ve been really good at since I was a small child. And I’ve only gotten better at it. It’s sad, but it’s true.

I’m not even sure where it all started. I’m not sure how I got to where I am today. In my mind, I’ve always been this evil entity and everything’s been my fault since I can remember. And even when I finally pull back and try to not focus on what I think my part is, it turns into a fugly blaming session and all of a sudden I’m trying to shuck all responsibility for everything off onto the next person. And you know what this does? Makes me hate myself even more than I did originally.

To say that it’s a vicious cycle is an understatement. It’s basically a way of life. I don’t know how to be any other way and quite frankly it sucks.

At times it seems like my inability to find a balance stresses me out so much that it ruins the connections and relationships that I manage to somehow build.