Sometimes the hurt do the hurting

I thought that I had found comfort in something new. For a split second I really thought that maybe I loved him.

But I realized that I don’t…I loved having someone near me who understood me. I loved having compassion surround me when he walked into the room. But I didn’t love him. Just certain things about him. And that’s okay….right?

Well it would have been if I had maintained control of myself and if I hadn’t spoken on impulse. I thought that maybe it was just me being weird for a few days. But then 3 days turned to 7 and I still don’t feel anything.

There isn’t even anything in me that wants to reach out right now….not to him at least. I know that I hurt him. I’ve explained why I withdrew…but I don’t expect him to accept that and just be okay. Maybe he has. I hope he has. I don’t want to have that conversation. I don’t want any part in those feelings. I don’t want to tell him to his face that the attachment is not mutual. But he knows. I’ve mentioned it. But I haven’t said it explicitly and a piece of me is bothered by it…but overall I’m not concerned with it.

Self Loathing

As fucked up as it sounds, it’s the one thing in my life that I’ve been really good at since I was a small child. And I’ve only gotten better at it. It’s sad, but it’s true.

I’m not even sure where it all started. I’m not sure how I got to where I am today. In my mind, I’ve always been this evil entity and everything’s been my fault since I can remember. And even when I finally pull back and try to not focus on what I think my part is, it turns into a fugly blaming session and all of a sudden I’m trying to shuck all responsibility for everything off onto the next person. And you know what this does? Makes me hate myself even more than I did originally.

To say that it’s a vicious cycle is an understatement. It’s basically a way of life. I don’t know how to be any other way and quite frankly it sucks.

At times it seems like my inability to find a balance stresses me out so much that it ruins the connections and relationships that I manage to somehow build.

Accepting Loss

The divorce is finally happening.

I knew that it was coming but because it took so long to finally happen, I had convinced myself that it wasn’t real. And now here I am.

In pieces once again and unsure of how to handle my emotions about it.

I admire people that handle these things with grace and dignity. I’ve completely thrown all of that out of the window multiple times at this point.

My depression has deepened significantly.

I feel less connected to people and the outside world more than ever. I’m just…here. Barely existing.

I’ll get through this eventually….right? That’s a thing that people do? 😔

My world has been completely crumpled.

I’ll just…I don’t know.

I’m just gonna stay in this pit for a while and see what happens.

This is the absolute best end to the year that I could have asked for.

Healing

I’ve found over the last few months that writing helps a lot more than leaving things here. Having something physical to look back on that I wrote forces me to accept my writing as my own truth. It’s so easy for me to dismiss everything when I look back at this blog.

But for the sake of building small pieces of consistency in my life, I have set up reminders to revisit this and write something at least once a month. I still haven’t decided or figured out what direction I want to move in with this, but I’m sure it will come to me eventually…or never. Either is fine with me.

So here’s to the 10th new beginning this year. And the continuous struggle of daily existence.

Don’t cry too hard when you come back to read this. I promise you’re okay.

We aren’t together anymore…

She’s constantly reminding me that we aren’t together anymore, yet she sneaks around when she’s with someone else.

She’s constantly reminding me that she doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to be single…yet she plays the same emotional games that we played 3 years ago…

She’s constantly reminding me that she doesn’t want to be married anymore…keeps telling me that she’s over that part because she had to accept me moving onto someone else even though I hadn’t really moved on and we had that discussion.

But somehow her disrespecting me and hiding things from me is acceptable but me being bothered by it and being upset because of her actions is unacceptable.

Why am I of no value to the woman that chose me. Why am I disposable to the woman that promised to love me for better or for worse. Why am I nothing to the one person that made the conscious decision to keep me around forever.

Why am I not enough.

Why does this hurt so much.

Why can’t I just walk away from all of this even though I know that I deserve and need better than what she can give me.

Why am I destroying myself.

Why do I allow this to continue to happen.
Do I really love myself as much as I thought I did?

Will I ever know what self love Is? 😔
I’ve managed to destroy myself once again.

Life is great. Life is grand.

Hollow

I feel empty.

I feel…well I guess I don’t actually feel anything.

I want to disappear.

If I could crawl into a corner and put some kind of impenetrable Force field around me…I would. I need an escape. But not a vacation. I need to let my mind wander and take its own journey but unfortunately I can’t do that right now. I have two more weeks of no sleep and the constant doom and gloom of failure.
I think I’m about to fall into another depressive episode.

Fingers crossed it doesn’t last long.

I don’t know how long I can hold on