Self Loathing

As fucked up as it sounds, it’s the one thing in my life that I’ve been really good at since I was a small child. And I’ve only gotten better at it. It’s sad, but it’s true.

I’m not even sure where it all started. I’m not sure how I got to where I am today. In my mind, I’ve always been this evil entity and everything’s been my fault since I can remember. And even when I finally pull back and try to not focus on what I think my part is, it turns into a fugly blaming session and all of a sudden I’m trying to shuck all responsibility for everything off onto the next person. And you know what this does? Makes me hate myself even more than I did originally.

To say that it’s a vicious cycle is an understatement. It’s basically a way of life. I don’t know how to be any other way and quite frankly it sucks.

At times it seems like my inability to find a balance stresses me out so much that it ruins the connections and relationships that I manage to somehow build.

Accepting Loss

The divorce is finally happening.

I knew that it was coming but because it took so long to finally happen, I had convinced myself that it wasn’t real. And now here I am.

In pieces once again and unsure of how to handle my emotions about it.

I admire people that handle these things with grace and dignity. I’ve completely thrown all of that out of the window multiple times at this point.

My depression has deepened significantly.

I feel less connected to people and the outside world more than ever. I’m just…here. Barely existing.

I’ll get through this eventually….right? That’s a thing that people do? 😔

My world has been completely crumpled.

I’ll just…I don’t know.

I’m just gonna stay in this pit for a while and see what happens.

This is the absolute best end to the year that I could have asked for.

We aren’t together anymore…

She’s constantly reminding me that we aren’t together anymore, yet she sneaks around when she’s with someone else.

She’s constantly reminding me that she doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to be single…yet she plays the same emotional games that we played 3 years ago…

She’s constantly reminding me that she doesn’t want to be married anymore…keeps telling me that she’s over that part because she had to accept me moving onto someone else even though I hadn’t really moved on and we had that discussion.

But somehow her disrespecting me and hiding things from me is acceptable but me being bothered by it and being upset because of her actions is unacceptable.

Why am I of no value to the woman that chose me. Why am I disposable to the woman that promised to love me for better or for worse. Why am I nothing to the one person that made the conscious decision to keep me around forever.

Why am I not enough.

Why does this hurt so much.

Why can’t I just walk away from all of this even though I know that I deserve and need better than what she can give me.

Why am I destroying myself.

Why do I allow this to continue to happen.
Do I really love myself as much as I thought I did?

Will I ever know what self love Is? 😔
I’ve managed to destroy myself once again.

Life is great. Life is grand.


I feel empty.

I feel…well I guess I don’t actually feel anything.

I want to disappear.

If I could crawl into a corner and put some kind of impenetrable Force field around me…I would. I need an escape. But not a vacation. I need to let my mind wander and take its own journey but unfortunately I can’t do that right now. I have two more weeks of no sleep and the constant doom and gloom of failure.
I think I’m about to fall into another depressive episode.

Fingers crossed it doesn’t last long.

I don’t know how long I can hold on 

Summer’s Here

As I say every year when Gemini season &summer season is here ,and it’s my time to shine. HA! That’s a joke this year. Summer may be here, but I have not yet arrived. The way I feel right now…definitely still an internal winter.

Today was the first time in over 3 years that I successfully completed some portion of school. I was relieved…at least until I realized what being done for the time being means. Now that I don’t have school to consume all of my extra time, everything else that I’ve been avoiding will have the chance to get to me again.

I hadn’t realized just how much I give a damn about where I end up in life until tonight. I find myself constantly denying (it’s actually attempting to deny and failing miserably) the fact that I care so much about where I end up in life that I literally lose sleep most of the week b/c I sit up through the long hours of the damn night thinking about it. I’m not even 23 yet and I’ve found myself almost to the point of yanking my hair out at the root b/c I become so worried with my life falling apart before I even realize that it’s happening. And every time someone tells me that I should stop worrying because I’m still so young…a very large part of me wants to tell them the shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I know they’re partially right…but it’s just so irritating for some reason. Maybe I’m just a control freak.

But anywho. Despite how alive I feel every time I get some time in the sun, I’m honestly dreading summer to some degree. There’s so much internal pressure to be happy. I’m going on vacation and getting away from work for three weeks. I’ll be spending lots of one on one time with the love of my life. I should be happy right? Absolutely bursting with excitement…right?

I guess I haven’t even begun to wrap my mind around my emotions. Since I got the news of my grandmothers passing last week I’ve been pretty numb to everything. I can feel the angst bubbling inside of me…just waiting for the moment when everything that I’ve been feeling will force it’s way out and leave me sobbing uncontrollably in a random corner of my house. Maybe I’ll finally feel some comfort. Maybe I’ll finally start my healing process. But what is there to heal? Shouldn’t I be happy that she’s finally in a better place and no long in pain? Shouldn’t I be celebrating her very long life? I just can’t help but feel a little guilty for being so selfish about how I feel about this, but at the same time grief hit me so hard that I am literally a walking, breathing, lump of nothing right now. Never in my life before this have I truly felt this……..detached? I’m not even sure how to describe it.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Hopefully there is no rain so that I can get sufficient outside time.

I’ll hold onto my hope. It’s what she would have wanted.


Well, Here I Am

I honestly have no idea what I’m doing here.

I guess I’m here primarily for my own benefit. I need an outlet.

Writing gets mundane. And my brain moves faster than I can write, so all too often I forget my thoughts before they actually reach the paper.

I’m not sure that anyone will ever see this…I’m okay with that.

I guess a piece of me finds comfort in this never being found. It’ll be like my digital diary…but with a side of danger?

But I’ll start by recounting what I know so far. And then from there, this will be my life journey log.

So if you find this, and you’re reading…I’m letting you know now that you’ve stepped into a piece of my personal hellfire that is my thoughts. Enjoy the ride. It’s going to be one hell of a journey.