Same shit different day

Relationships are hard.

Mental health is hard.

Combine the two and it’s a total nightmare some days….sometimes weeks.

I still don’t know how to handle myself most days. And I don’t know if I’m allowed to speak up about how I feel about small things. Most of the time I talk myself down and convince myself that I’m just being a childish brat. But I’ve never really taken the time to step back and look at the root of the shitty feeling. So I just sit and fester in the bullshit….which obviously doesn’t help anything. And then I feel even worse for not having the gumption to say “hey I’m feeling a little frazzled because of this thing that happened”.

Does wanting to be chased make me a coward?

It’s something that I think on quite often and it bothers me. Do I want my partner to chase me because it’s the only way I truly feel valid in a relationship? Will I ever not be so insecure that I’ll be able to accept things at face value without tearing them down in the background?

It’s ugly to admit….and horrible to face. But what choice do I really have?

Moving on

I never thought I’d see this day.

I never thought I’d see the day where I moved on from what I thought was my forever. It’s odd to be at peace with losing someone that meant so much to me. But it’s comforting to know that I’ve made it this far.

There’s power in being able to look her in her eyes and genuinely wish her well without the hurt boiling within. I hope that one day soon she finds this place that I’ve found and learns to enjoy the lessons learned from our marriage. Partially because I’m selfish and want her to stop barging into my life the way she has…and partially because I legitimately want her to be happy and move on for her own sake.

I see the hurt in her body language when we talk and she realizes that I’m happy without her. I don’t think that either of us ever thought I’d be this independent again. But here I am. And I’m happy. And I’m looking forward to my future.