Same shit different day

Relationships are hard.

Mental health is hard.

Combine the two and it’s a total nightmare some days….sometimes weeks.

I still don’t know how to handle myself most days. And I don’t know if I’m allowed to speak up about how I feel about small things. Most of the time I talk myself down and convince myself that I’m just being a childish brat. But I’ve never really taken the time to step back and look at the root of the shitty feeling. So I just sit and fester in the bullshit….which obviously doesn’t help anything. And then I feel even worse for not having the gumption to say “hey I’m feeling a little frazzled because of this thing that happened”.

Does wanting to be chased make me a coward?

It’s something that I think on quite often and it bothers me. Do I want my partner to chase me because it’s the only way I truly feel valid in a relationship? Will I ever not be so insecure that I’ll be able to accept things at face value without tearing them down in the background?

It’s ugly to admit….and horrible to face. But what choice do I really have?

Staying Afloat

I never know exactly when the downward spiral is coming. I start to notice some changes, but ultimately I don’t actually know and I’m just as surprised as everyone else when everything falls apart.

The problem now…if I can’t get a grip I fear that it will ruin a good thing. Previously I viewed my disorder as the root of my marital issues but now I see that it was more of a personality thing than anything else.

When my moods shift my jaw clenches itself shut. I can tell a wall how I feel all day long…but when it comes to opening up to someone that I care about and that I know cares about me….my mouth may as well be sewn shut with steel thread. There’s so much hurt and confusion swirling around in my head that I just shut down. But I can’t vocalize it. I can’t say “hey, I’m feelin kinda fucked emotionally but idk why or how to fix it so this is gonna be weird for a while”…..maybe this is just me wrecking my own happiness again. I can’t keep doing that. I’ve gotta do better if I want to be happy.

Old habits die hard but dammit I don’t have a choice at this point.

I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s up to me to pave this new road. I’ve crumbled under the pressure of my own insecurities and doubts before. I can’t let that happen again.

Sometimes the hurt do the hurting

I thought that I had found comfort in something new. For a split second I really thought that maybe I loved him.

But I realized that I don’t…I loved having someone near me who understood me. I loved having compassion surround me when he walked into the room. But I didn’t love him. Just certain things about him. And that’s okay….right?

Well it would have been if I had maintained control of myself and if I hadn’t spoken on impulse. I thought that maybe it was just me being weird for a few days. But then 3 days turned to 7 and I still don’t feel anything.

There isn’t even anything in me that wants to reach out right now….not to him at least. I know that I hurt him. I’ve explained why I withdrew…but I don’t expect him to accept that and just be okay. Maybe he has. I hope he has. I don’t want to have that conversation. I don’t want any part in those feelings. I don’t want to tell him to his face that the attachment is not mutual. But he knows. I’ve mentioned it. But I haven’t said it explicitly and a piece of me is bothered by it…but overall I’m not concerned with it.

Accepting Loss

The divorce is finally happening.

I knew that it was coming but because it took so long to finally happen, I had convinced myself that it wasn’t real. And now here I am.

In pieces once again and unsure of how to handle my emotions about it.

I admire people that handle these things with grace and dignity. I’ve completely thrown all of that out of the window multiple times at this point.

My depression has deepened significantly.

I feel less connected to people and the outside world more than ever. I’m just…here. Barely existing.

I’ll get through this eventually….right? That’s a thing that people do? 😔

My world has been completely crumpled.

I’ll just…I don’t know.

I’m just gonna stay in this pit for a while and see what happens.

This is the absolute best end to the year that I could have asked for.

Healing

I’ve found over the last few months that writing helps a lot more than leaving things here. Having something physical to look back on that I wrote forces me to accept my writing as my own truth. It’s so easy for me to dismiss everything when I look back at this blog.

But for the sake of building small pieces of consistency in my life, I have set up reminders to revisit this and write something at least once a month. I still haven’t decided or figured out what direction I want to move in with this, but I’m sure it will come to me eventually…or never. Either is fine with me.

So here’s to the 10th new beginning this year. And the continuous struggle of daily existence.

Don’t cry too hard when you come back to read this. I promise you’re okay.

We aren’t together anymore…

She’s constantly reminding me that we aren’t together anymore, yet she sneaks around when she’s with someone else.

She’s constantly reminding me that she doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to be single…yet she plays the same emotional games that we played 3 years ago…

She’s constantly reminding me that she doesn’t want to be married anymore…keeps telling me that she’s over that part because she had to accept me moving onto someone else even though I hadn’t really moved on and we had that discussion.

But somehow her disrespecting me and hiding things from me is acceptable but me being bothered by it and being upset because of her actions is unacceptable.

Why am I of no value to the woman that chose me. Why am I disposable to the woman that promised to love me for better or for worse. Why am I nothing to the one person that made the conscious decision to keep me around forever.

Why am I not enough.

Why does this hurt so much.

Why can’t I just walk away from all of this even though I know that I deserve and need better than what she can give me.

Why am I destroying myself.

Why do I allow this to continue to happen.
Do I really love myself as much as I thought I did?

Will I ever know what self love Is? 😔
I’ve managed to destroy myself once again.

Life is great. Life is grand.

Hollow

I feel empty.

I feel…well I guess I don’t actually feel anything.

I want to disappear.

If I could crawl into a corner and put some kind of impenetrable Force field around me…I would. I need an escape. But not a vacation. I need to let my mind wander and take its own journey but unfortunately I can’t do that right now. I have two more weeks of no sleep and the constant doom and gloom of failure.
I think I’m about to fall into another depressive episode.

Fingers crossed it doesn’t last long.

I don’t know how long I can hold on